Today, I finally set up a Christmas tree and it is one of the saddest trees I have ever seen.

I bought the tree, an artificial miniature with frost-tipped needles, at the market. When setting it up, I literally had to trim it. By which I mean I needed scissors to deal with some stray needles that were twice as long as the others.

The shape of it is not all that conical, either, as though the manufacturers wanted a more natural shape but ended up with something bristly and gappy that looks like it may have been inspired by an old toothbrush.

Then came the lights. My personal taste is white lights, steady on. Well, I couldn’t find any strands of white lights at the market, so I went with colored. I’m not sure how many bulbs were on the strand I bought, but the tree could have used twice as many.

Ornaments were equally challenging. I wasn’t partial to any of those I saw at the market, so I settled for a package of multi-colored orbs. Small, plastic, a little reminiscent of disco balls. As I put them on the tree, it quickly became clear I should have bought another package or two for fuller coverage, but I didn’t like them enough to go back and buy more.

When I was about to plug the tree in, I remembered that I never had bought anything to put on top. So, I scanned my room and the only object that looked like it could possibly be the right size and weight to sit atop a cheap Christmas tree was a squishy Dwight Schrute head (Dwight is a character on The Office).

So my tree was lumpy and poorly adorned. I was willing to blame that on the crisis and move on, but no, my tree had another surprise for me. I plugged it in and within seconds began to smell melted and plastic and singed dust. Apparently my lights are also a fire hazard so I’ll only get to enjoy my Christmas tree in five-minute, supervised sessions.

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